I TAKE OFFENCE

While doing a few quests in Canifis, I noticed a very peculiar set-up of the town. What I found there was HORRID and OFFENSIVE that I had to write this blog entry to tell you all how I’m on a mission to boycott Canifis forever. You shall see my reasons in a moment. As I walked through the town, I noticed that there was an NPC named “Svetlana”. I thought Oh, that’s awesome! A Russian NPC! How quickly my excitement faded. As it turns out, there are several NPCs with Russian names in Canifis, but when you examine them you get a rather unpleasant surprise:

“Seems a bit of a drama queen”.

A bit of a drama queen, eh? So all of us Russian women are just drama queens who secretly turn into werewolves when you attack us? We just sort of, I don’t know, have nothing better to do than to create drama and aimlessly walk around a swampy village according to Jagex. Here’s another:

“He keeps calling me comrade”.

Oh, right. Because all Russians are obviously commies who sit around drinking vodka all day saying, “AHH KOMRADE, ZIS IZ VEDDY GOOD VODKA. IZ BETTER ZAN ZAT CAPITALIST GARBAGE YOU AMERIKANS DRINK, DA?” That’s right, we’re all just a bunch of communist werewolf weirdos, don’t mind us!

“A travelling man. Are those fleas?”

Fleas? So now we don’t wash? We’re just a bunch of dirty gypsy communist werewolf drama queens? Well you know what, you’d stink too if you had to live in Canifis! Might I also add that ALL of these NPCs are hostile whenever you try to make conversation with them. You might say that “Oh, but MQ! It’s because they’re werewolves and they hate humans!” Wrong! It’s because Jagex thinks we’re all a bunch of anti-social overly-aggressive jerks. Let me introduce you to Irina, another participating citizen of the anti-Russian campaign that Jagex has founded.

“I bet she works out”.

Oh does she? We’re just a bunch of steroid-ridden women who are drama queens as a result of the influx of male hormones into our bodies? That probably explains why Jagex has made us all morph into WEREWOLVES when attacked. Oh, oh, oh, let me guess: we got the werewolf ability when Chernobyl happened.

In essence, Jagex has a rather peculiar view of Russians as being communists, masculine (the women), drama queens, poor, dirty, aggressive, and simple-minded. LET ME ASK YOU THIS, ANDREW GOWER: WHO WAS THE FIRST COUNTRY TO SEND SOMEONE OUT INTO SPACE? That’s what I thought.

More Russian NPC descriptions:
Vera: “She seems sure of herself”.
Yuri: “He’s staring at the moon”.
Georgy (which is actually more of a Bulgarian name): “A simple villager”.
Nikita: “The woman”. (Sorry, Nikita is actually a boy’s name.)
Zoja: “A healthy villager”. (You mean she escaped Chernobyl??)
Lev: “A tough looking villager”. (Yeah, you better watch out Andrew.)
Yadviga: “A well off villager”. (Her names means “wealthy”, that’s the only reason they say that!)
Sofiya: “A wise villager”. (They’re just saying that because it’s the meaning of her name.)